Nobody likes criticism.

How often have we heard: &8220;What I tell you is for your own good&8221; or &8220;You did fine … but …&8221; or much more bluntly, &8220;You really messed that up.&8221;

From the time we are little children, we have been criticized by parents, relatives, teachers, bosses and even strangers.

Nobody is perfect and criticism is one way we learn to correct mistakes, change behavior and improve what we do.

It is an essential fact of life, and if done properly, can be important to our growth and maturity.

However, criticism is often cruel and devastating. Of course, our errors must be called to our attention so we can correct them, but if done in a callous, unfeeling way, it can make us feel stupid and inadequate and can destroy our morale.

Be careful not to criticize, condemn or complain.

Instead of condemning people, let&8217;s try to understand them. Unfortunately, many people do not try to understand us. When not pleased with what we do, they blast us. We cannot change their personality, but we can deal with this criticism constructively.

What we do when criticized

&8220;It&8217;s not my fault,&8221; Lois sobbed. &8220;I didn&8217;t do it.&8221; Denial or putting the blame on others is a common reaction. Sometimes it isn&8217;t your fault, but often denial comes automatically.

&8220;You&8217;re the one that&8217;s wrong.

I&8217;m doing it the way I was taught.&8221; Throwing the blame back on the criticizer will not solve the problem.

It&8217;s normal human reaction to try to put the responsibility of errors on others. Little children accused of mischief avoid punishment by pointing the finger at another child. We carry this into adult life … and sometimes get away with it.

As adults, we are accountable for our errors and should look up criticism as a way to learn. We do wrong things and as mature people, we must accept correction. But because this criticism is often done tactlessly, our resentment dominates our thinking.

Instead of thinking about the matter that was criticized, a common reaction is to focus on the criticizer &8212; often your boss. These thoughts may go through your head: &8220;OK, I&8217;ll do it her way, but I&8217;m not going to knock myself out. Wait until they want something from me.&8221;

Why bosses criticize

These negative thoughts don&8217;t solve anything and only serve to make you more miserable.

The criticizer should try to understand the people being criticized.

It works both ways.

We should try to understand the people who are criticizing us.

When Jack was asked why he was always harping at his people, he responded:

&8220;That&8217;s the boss&8217;s job.&8221;

He had always worked for bosses that criticized, condemned and complained and he assumed that was the way to supervise others.

Arlene was a perfectionist and she couldn&8217;t tolerate people who did not meet her high standards.

She lost patience with people who did not learn rapidly and accurately and would often express her displeasure loudly and sarcastically.

Dealing with criticism

Accept it as part of the job.

Criticism is part of the learning process.

We cannot learn unless our mistakes are pointed out to us, however, this should be done constructively and tactfully and many bosses do not do this.

We cannot control the way our bosses may criticize us, but we can control how we take it.

It is up to each of us to look at criticism as a learning – not a degrading experience.

Don&8217;t take it personally.

Remember, it is not you – but what you have done that is being criticized.

Most bosses do not want to debase you, but help you correct a situation.

Unfortunately, their lack of tack may not reflect this.

You are not stupid or inept.

It is the work that was criticized – not the human being who did it.

Keep your emotions out of it.

Find good in it.

Truly mature people can sometimes learn from even the most malicious criticism.

If this criticism is made you aware of unperceived weaknesses, faults or errors, despite your initial hurt, you can learn from it.

Focus on the lesson – forget the method.

Remember the boss wants you to succeed.

A supervisor is measured on the success of his or her department.

If you do not succeed, it will reflect on the supervisor.

Sure, the approach was wrong, but the long-term objective benefits both of you.

When the criticism is unjustified

Brian was really mad.

His boss had just reamed him out in front of the entire department for making a poor decision about a project for which he was responsible.

Not only did this make Brian look stupid to his peers, but the decision was based on what he considered good judgment.

Brian walked out of the room in a huff and was ready to quit.

&8220;How can I work for a person who not only criticizes me unjustly but embarrasses me in front of my friends,&8221; he thought.

After he calmed down, he reconsidered his reaction.

Sure, the boss was wrong, but quitting would hurt him a lot more that the boss.

Brian still believed his decision was right, but the boss was entitled to his opinion and he was ultimately responsible for the project.

By accepting the criticism and not allowing it to fester into a long-term resentment of the boss, Brian was able to rethink the project, discuss the reasons for his decision rationally with the boss and work out a mutually acceptable solution, which was better than either his or his supervisor&8217;s original ideas.

More importantly, Brian realized the importance of not letting criticism – no matter how badly it was presented – affect his relationship with his boss.

John Moser can be reached at the Moser Group by e-mail at

mailto:jmoser@mosergroup.net